Last month right after Thanksgiving I called for a truce (see HELP!!! post). I suggested: "Let's put our schedules in check for the next couple of weeks. Instead of the panic that accompanies being ready for the next activity, why don't we all commit to living in the moment. Do you know what I mean -- enjoying the people, places, and things we have right in front of us. Let's take the time for the smiles and the hugs that we will give in abundance during the next few weeks to be genuine. Who knows, in the process we might actually get back to teaching those behind us what these holidays are really all about".
AND NOW....we're ready for an update.
Okay -- it hasn't been perfect, but my family has worked on this. Everything considered I think we're doing pretty well. We spent last evening with Caleb's Cadence (and spouses) and had a great time!! We laughed, we caught up with friends it seems we see a lot, but never seem to get more than 2 second conversations with, and we enjoyed the moments. Several days ago we had the Sebring contingent of the Smith/ Ward clan over and spent some hours just enjoying each other's company. Even during the activities (and there have been plenty) we've made a real effort to dig a little deeper inside ourselves to spend some time catching up with or getting to know the people around us. On Friday night Dawn and I spent some time with great friends over a meal and put aside all the holiday things we probably should have been doing just to enjoy their company. I have to say it has been refreshing.
Now, I'm not saying that there is none of me that has "almost" gotten sucked into the whirlwind of the holidays, but I have been conscious to live and let live this holiday season. (Except for holiday traffic -- but that's an anger management post for sometime in the future!)
Anyway - I've noticed some timely (and welcome) approaches that friends, family, and acquaintances are taking this Christmas. I love that most people in my life have gotten away from giving or expecting gifts this year. Times are tough for people, and I love that I sense some reprioritization around me. That is not to say I have not appreciated the gifts I have received -- I do. In fact, I think I more appreciate them this year than ever before, because I know they were given sacrificially and are accepted by us more humbly than any time in recent memory.
This Christmas season is shaping up to be one of the best I can remember. I look forward to the next few days as a chance to reflect on what is different this year and teach my kids some new traditions for Christmas -- traditions that all point back to what Christmas really is all about.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
WE have Lift-off!!
Wow - what a week! For those of you that follow here and don't know -- several months ago my wife and I began working toward developing a ministry dedicated toward providing relevant discipleship to today's teens in our online world. Well, after a lot (I mean A LOT) of development, a couple of sleepless nights, some unbelievable meetings with people, and a test group of almost 70 the first phase is done.
Bo (one of those unbelievable encouragers you meet in life) stopped me in church last week to let me know that he was waiting patiently for LAUNCH, but he was not going to let me quit on it. Thanks, Bo -- I was ready to quit that day for about the thirtieth time that week. Renee showed up on the site (about 3 hours after some final edits and about 3 hours before some final final edits) at about 6:00am the other morning with positive energy and a few words that pushed me all day long that day.
Several others of you have encouraged, listened to me complain, waited, bounced new ideas off me, and everything else from just praying for strength for me and all involved to a couple of well-timed hugs when I probably looked ready to pull my hair out. Anyway - thanks to all of you.
If you want a peek at what we're doing check out www.launchme.org. Feel free to register and jump into the COUNTdown: I'm a Youth Leader/ Worker group. (It's not just for youth leaders - it's for any adult wanting to see what LAUNCH is about.) Anyway, at the moment I am exhausted, but definitely looking forward to seeing what 2009 holds.
Bo (one of those unbelievable encouragers you meet in life) stopped me in church last week to let me know that he was waiting patiently for LAUNCH, but he was not going to let me quit on it. Thanks, Bo -- I was ready to quit that day for about the thirtieth time that week. Renee showed up on the site (about 3 hours after some final edits and about 3 hours before some final final edits) at about 6:00am the other morning with positive energy and a few words that pushed me all day long that day.
Several others of you have encouraged, listened to me complain, waited, bounced new ideas off me, and everything else from just praying for strength for me and all involved to a couple of well-timed hugs when I probably looked ready to pull my hair out. Anyway - thanks to all of you.
If you want a peek at what we're doing check out www.launchme.org. Feel free to register and jump into the COUNTdown: I'm a Youth Leader/ Worker group. (It's not just for youth leaders - it's for any adult wanting to see what LAUNCH is about.) Anyway, at the moment I am exhausted, but definitely looking forward to seeing what 2009 holds.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
My Christmas Cheer
I have often been accused of being a bit of a Scrooge at Christmas, however, after my youngest daughter's preschool Christmas program I feel like I have been uniquely suited to wish a special kind of Christmas cheer to some people. So begins my Christmas wish list:
1. For the lady in the third row who elected to stand to see her child despite the twenty five rows of people behind her that couldn't see a thing because she chose to do this -- I wish you a seat at a very important occassion directly behind a lady with an obnoxiously large hat surrounded by two very tall men.
2. For the family behind me that talked throughout my daughter's whole performance as they relished in how cute their two year old looked just moments before -- I wish you the opportunity to sit in front of a family just like yours next year.
3. For the people who could not be asked politely, cajoled, or even ordered out of the aisles by the people in charge of the program during the performance -- I wish you many happy traffic jams and a nudge or two by those cars only interested in their own spot on the freeway.
and finally,
4. For the folks who thought that the instruction to wait to pick children up from the front of the auditorium applied to the other 100 children's parents but not them -- I wish you children with the same ability to perceptually distinguish the irrelevance of instructions to them even though it sounds to everyone around them relevant.
Oh - and God bless us everyone!
1. For the lady in the third row who elected to stand to see her child despite the twenty five rows of people behind her that couldn't see a thing because she chose to do this -- I wish you a seat at a very important occassion directly behind a lady with an obnoxiously large hat surrounded by two very tall men.
2. For the family behind me that talked throughout my daughter's whole performance as they relished in how cute their two year old looked just moments before -- I wish you the opportunity to sit in front of a family just like yours next year.
3. For the people who could not be asked politely, cajoled, or even ordered out of the aisles by the people in charge of the program during the performance -- I wish you many happy traffic jams and a nudge or two by those cars only interested in their own spot on the freeway.
and finally,
4. For the folks who thought that the instruction to wait to pick children up from the front of the auditorium applied to the other 100 children's parents but not them -- I wish you children with the same ability to perceptually distinguish the irrelevance of instructions to them even though it sounds to everyone around them relevant.
Oh - and God bless us everyone!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Acceptance
For those of you who have labored through the past couple of posts - you will be happy to know that the discussion of serenity is quickly coming to a close.
In the same conversation that the Big Book talks about serenity as inversely proportional to expectation it also discusses acceptance as inversely proportional to expectation and by inference acceptance as directly proportional to serenity. Essentially it boils down to this - if I have a high level of expectation I will have a low level of both serenity and acceptance, and if I have a low level of expectation then I will have a high level of both serenity and acceptance. Alternatively, if I maintain a high level of acceptance then I will have a high level of serenity.
This is where the serenity prayer makes most sense. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I would offer that the amount of energy that one applies to pushing down their expectation level is better spent looking around at their world and learning to live in acceptance. Acceptance truly will be the key to finding and keeping happiness alive and well in our lives.
Consider this, "Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake." If we were to own this it would quickly point us to the realization that when we focus on error in the world we are again taking back the position of director of our life. We are ill-equipped to be the director as we lack both the experience and resolve, and for any of us that have previously relinquished this not-what-it's-cracked-up-to-be title I can think of nothing more frustrating than taking it back on. Trust me it is far more rewarding and significantly less difficult to just say "Okay, this was sent my direction I need to accept it and move on."
Some of you are wondering if it's really that simple. Can the quality of my life increase exponentially simply by accepting the things around me as exactly the way they are supposed to be? I could give you my answer, and I have tried to make a case for just this over the past week, but I prefer you just try it. Come on try it -- you might like it.
In the same conversation that the Big Book talks about serenity as inversely proportional to expectation it also discusses acceptance as inversely proportional to expectation and by inference acceptance as directly proportional to serenity. Essentially it boils down to this - if I have a high level of expectation I will have a low level of both serenity and acceptance, and if I have a low level of expectation then I will have a high level of both serenity and acceptance. Alternatively, if I maintain a high level of acceptance then I will have a high level of serenity.
This is where the serenity prayer makes most sense. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I would offer that the amount of energy that one applies to pushing down their expectation level is better spent looking around at their world and learning to live in acceptance. Acceptance truly will be the key to finding and keeping happiness alive and well in our lives.
Consider this, "Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake." If we were to own this it would quickly point us to the realization that when we focus on error in the world we are again taking back the position of director of our life. We are ill-equipped to be the director as we lack both the experience and resolve, and for any of us that have previously relinquished this not-what-it's-cracked-up-to-be title I can think of nothing more frustrating than taking it back on. Trust me it is far more rewarding and significantly less difficult to just say "Okay, this was sent my direction I need to accept it and move on."
Some of you are wondering if it's really that simple. Can the quality of my life increase exponentially simply by accepting the things around me as exactly the way they are supposed to be? I could give you my answer, and I have tried to make a case for just this over the past week, but I prefer you just try it. Come on try it -- you might like it.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Expectations
The Big Book notes that "serenity is inversely proportional to expectations". Essentially, serenity is opposite, but equal to our expectations of the things around us. If we have high level of expectation than we will have the equally opposite low level of serenity. For example if you expect that tonight you will be getting the finest home cooked meal you have ever had what is most likely to happen when you sit down at the table. With such high expectations you stand a very good chance of being disappointed or at least not having the finest home cooked meal you have ever had. When that happens you will find yourself much less serene than had you had no expectations at all and enjoyed a perfectly fine meal at the dinner table. Interesting - huh?
So your probably wondering if I believe that you should have no expectations period. After all that would seemingly be the best method to ensure a high level of serenity, right? My answer is .... yes you are right. No expectations or even low expectations WILL provide you with a mechanism to maintain your serenity at least for the time being.
A lot of people I share this with are very skeptical. After all our world works because of basic principles like if I do this then I get that. We like the orderliness of expectations, and we like to avoid chaos that we believe accompanies lack of expectations. It is true that expectations provide a sense of order, but I would offer that the current interpretation of this has become quite distorted in our industrial age.
If the past few months have offered us anything it should have been a solid look at the long term unsustainability of self-perceived order without strong foundational fundamentals. Our economic world is getting rocked (and we with it) because we are incorrectly perceiving our expectations as fundamentals. We expect that saving for retirement equals ever increasing gains, and when these gains are not ever increasing (and even become diminshing) we become frustrated. It doesn't come up in conversation that we made fundamentally bad investment decisions (investments that were going to lose money instead of gain money) instead we focus our energies on how the world is out of control economically and we fall into the victim role. The truth is if we identified risk-taking for what it is, taking risks, and set our expectations low on the likelihood of return (again emphasize risk) then many of us would have significantly less stress as we see markets in chaos.
By identifying the dangers that accompany our expectations we become more rational and realistic about fears that often drive us to obsession. This remains another critical building block to maintaining a serene life.
So your probably wondering if I believe that you should have no expectations period. After all that would seemingly be the best method to ensure a high level of serenity, right? My answer is .... yes you are right. No expectations or even low expectations WILL provide you with a mechanism to maintain your serenity at least for the time being.
A lot of people I share this with are very skeptical. After all our world works because of basic principles like if I do this then I get that. We like the orderliness of expectations, and we like to avoid chaos that we believe accompanies lack of expectations. It is true that expectations provide a sense of order, but I would offer that the current interpretation of this has become quite distorted in our industrial age.
If the past few months have offered us anything it should have been a solid look at the long term unsustainability of self-perceived order without strong foundational fundamentals. Our economic world is getting rocked (and we with it) because we are incorrectly perceiving our expectations as fundamentals. We expect that saving for retirement equals ever increasing gains, and when these gains are not ever increasing (and even become diminshing) we become frustrated. It doesn't come up in conversation that we made fundamentally bad investment decisions (investments that were going to lose money instead of gain money) instead we focus our energies on how the world is out of control economically and we fall into the victim role. The truth is if we identified risk-taking for what it is, taking risks, and set our expectations low on the likelihood of return (again emphasize risk) then many of us would have significantly less stress as we see markets in chaos.
By identifying the dangers that accompany our expectations we become more rational and realistic about fears that often drive us to obsession. This remains another critical building block to maintaining a serene life.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Serenity: Part II
So now we better understand our correct position on the things that happen around us. We think we control things, but it is much better said that we are participants not directors in this thing called life. This is absolutely a huge step toward reducing our stress and increasing our serenity, but I won't kid you -- it takes daily (sometimes hourly) work just to maintain this mind-set.
Everything around us reinforces the false sense of control that we want, and moving out of the director role is not something that many of us like. We believe the anamoly is when things don't go our way, but the truth is we should consider the anamoly when things do go our way. We are subjects in the truest sense to the whims, desires, tasks, and emergencies around us. Importantly, it is our acceptance of these things that take us to a whole new level of serenity.
I guess I say all of that because it is important for everyone not just addicts to realize that serenity is hard work. Maintaining a realistic picture of who we are in the world we live in requires effort, but the rewards infiltrate ever part of our being. It might not feel like it is worth it at the moment we are working through it, but as serene people we will be better spouses, children, friends, and community members.
Everything around us reinforces the false sense of control that we want, and moving out of the director role is not something that many of us like. We believe the anamoly is when things don't go our way, but the truth is we should consider the anamoly when things do go our way. We are subjects in the truest sense to the whims, desires, tasks, and emergencies around us. Importantly, it is our acceptance of these things that take us to a whole new level of serenity.
I guess I say all of that because it is important for everyone not just addicts to realize that serenity is hard work. Maintaining a realistic picture of who we are in the world we live in requires effort, but the rewards infiltrate ever part of our being. It might not feel like it is worth it at the moment we are working through it, but as serene people we will be better spouses, children, friends, and community members.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Serenity
The big book talks a lot about serenity. Serenity is that calm peacefulness that enevelopes who we become when a lot of the little details around us are taken care of. But how does that happen - how do those little details get "taken care of"?
It has been my experience both in study and practice that serenity is the byproduct of rightfully realizing the lack of control that we have over things. Now that might sound negative, but it's really the most positive revelation that you could possibly have about yourself.
What do you control -- what do you really control? Most of us think we control our schedules and activities, but then it just takes one emergency to put that into perspective. For everything you think that you control there is an opposite and often competing reality of what controls that more. For example, have you ever left for an appointment with plenty of time to spare to find yourself a victim of a traffic jam. We think to ourselves that we should have taken a different road or path, but who has the assurance that would have worked. Often our lack of control is highlighted by just a phone call or seemingly inconsequential decision that puts us in a place that alters us forever. Even the smallest experiences are life changing experiences.The reality of our lack of control in any given situation is just a phone call or lane change away.
Understanding that we are the smallest cog in the wheel of life experienced around us truly is a freeing experience, and the quickest way to shed unwanted stress.
It has been my experience both in study and practice that serenity is the byproduct of rightfully realizing the lack of control that we have over things. Now that might sound negative, but it's really the most positive revelation that you could possibly have about yourself.
What do you control -- what do you really control? Most of us think we control our schedules and activities, but then it just takes one emergency to put that into perspective. For everything you think that you control there is an opposite and often competing reality of what controls that more. For example, have you ever left for an appointment with plenty of time to spare to find yourself a victim of a traffic jam. We think to ourselves that we should have taken a different road or path, but who has the assurance that would have worked. Often our lack of control is highlighted by just a phone call or seemingly inconsequential decision that puts us in a place that alters us forever. Even the smallest experiences are life changing experiences.The reality of our lack of control in any given situation is just a phone call or lane change away.
Understanding that we are the smallest cog in the wheel of life experienced around us truly is a freeing experience, and the quickest way to shed unwanted stress.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
STOP!!!!
Well, the turkeys gone, the visiting over, and most of us are about to embark on that whirlwind between Thanksgiving and Christmas that leaves little time for thinking much less reflection. We will try and put happy faces on for our friends, coworkers, and family -- yet in the back of our minds will be the next three things on our schedule that can't possibly get done if we take time out to enjoy the activity in front of us. We will be so busy planning, purchasing, and presenting over the next month that our Thanksgiving gratitude will just kind of melt away. What began as an opportunity to gratefully reflect on the things around us during the past year has been relinquished to "the calm before the storm" of the holiday season.
I can see it around me already. In South Florida an estimated 40,000 people crowded a major shopping mall on black Friday -- by 1:00 am in the morning! Makes me wonder how long lived the Thanksgiving part of the Thanksgiving holiday was for these folks. By early Friday afternoon we were reading about a temporary employee who had been stampeded to death as he opened up a Walmart store. By late Friay that became a byline to two men fatally shooting each other in a Toys'R'Us while kids shopped around them. Are you kidding me? Haven't we learned any lessons about greed and profiteering in the past few months?
I'm calling for a truce. Let's put our schedules in check for the next couple of weeks. Instead of the panic that accompanies being ready for the next activity, why don't we all commit to living in the moment. Do you know what I mean -- enjoying the people, places, and things we have right in front of us. Let's take the time for the smiles and the hugs that we will give in abundance during the next few weeks to be genuine. Who knows, in the process we might actually get back to teaching those behind us what these holidays are really all about.
I can see it around me already. In South Florida an estimated 40,000 people crowded a major shopping mall on black Friday -- by 1:00 am in the morning! Makes me wonder how long lived the Thanksgiving part of the Thanksgiving holiday was for these folks. By early Friday afternoon we were reading about a temporary employee who had been stampeded to death as he opened up a Walmart store. By late Friay that became a byline to two men fatally shooting each other in a Toys'R'Us while kids shopped around them. Are you kidding me? Haven't we learned any lessons about greed and profiteering in the past few months?
I'm calling for a truce. Let's put our schedules in check for the next couple of weeks. Instead of the panic that accompanies being ready for the next activity, why don't we all commit to living in the moment. Do you know what I mean -- enjoying the people, places, and things we have right in front of us. Let's take the time for the smiles and the hugs that we will give in abundance during the next few weeks to be genuine. Who knows, in the process we might actually get back to teaching those behind us what these holidays are really all about.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
one man's junk...
I threw some old cassette tapes away today. It was kind of sad for me - partly because I HATE getting rid of things and partly because it made me reflect on the inevitability of change. There is something comforting in putting on an old shirt or pair of shoes that has long since seen its time -- it just feels better. And that stack of stuff in the top dresser drawer - it's true I will never use it again or even be able to remember what I used it for in the first place, but I think I feel better just knowing it's there. The people around me will probably not get it, instead they see worn out clothes or clutter as stuff I should have gotten rid of a long time ago. But for me as outrageous as it seems these things seem more me than today's clothes or junk.
The same thing goes for old thinking, habits, and behaviors. We become comfortable with who we are, and change though inevitable is sad to us. Sometimes it's not even that we want to keep the old, worn-out "us" junk, it's just that if we keep it close to us we feel better. The people around us will probably not get it. It seems so clear to them that if we could just get rid of this or change that we would be so much better off. They might even be right, but it doesn't mean that when we give these things up we immediately feel better. In fact, at that moment of change we might feel much worse.
I don't remember that last thing I threw away that gave me trasher's remorse, but I know that I did it. It probably wasn't even that long go, I felt bad and moved on. I am certain I am better off for having gotten rid of whatever it was, but at that moment standing above the trash can I am also sure I didn't feel like I was going to better off. I'm sure I felt sad.
The same thing goes for old thinking, habits, and behaviors. We become comfortable with who we are, and change though inevitable is sad to us. Sometimes it's not even that we want to keep the old, worn-out "us" junk, it's just that if we keep it close to us we feel better. The people around us will probably not get it. It seems so clear to them that if we could just get rid of this or change that we would be so much better off. They might even be right, but it doesn't mean that when we give these things up we immediately feel better. In fact, at that moment of change we might feel much worse.
I don't remember that last thing I threw away that gave me trasher's remorse, but I know that I did it. It probably wasn't even that long go, I felt bad and moved on. I am certain I am better off for having gotten rid of whatever it was, but at that moment standing above the trash can I am also sure I didn't feel like I was going to better off. I'm sure I felt sad.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
You Are What You Do Because of Who You Are
Had a chance to speak in front of inTerSecTionS this week. I absolutely love those guys and they are so attentive. So I hit them with this statement - You are what you do because of who you are.
So here it is for Zack (and anyone else) in easy terms. You are (what you are right now) what you do (what you are doing right now) beacuse of who you are (what you were meant to be).
So here it is for Zack (and anyone else) in easy terms. You are (what you are right now) what you do (what you are doing right now) beacuse of who you are (what you were meant to be).
never the same old same old
On Sunday mornings I take my children out for donuts and chocolate milk before church. This has become a bit of tradition in the Smith household, and has the added benefits of motivating everyone (at least the kids and me) out the door so mom is not late for worship practice. We travel the same route through the store and you would think that all of these Sunday mornings would blend into one another, but for some reason they don't. Each Sunday morning looks exactly the same, but motivated by kids who never see the sameness in any of our time together I have become more in tune with the nuances of these trips that make them individually memorable.
For example, this morning I learned something about my youngest. Her brother asked (in a sickeningly sweet voice) if she was going to share part of her donut with him. She shook her head yes (mouth full of donut of course) and broke her remaining donut in half. She looked over the pieces she had broken and I could see the wheels turning. Looking from piece to piece she calculated which piece was the largest (they were close in size, but one was just a little larger). She turned over the smaller piece to her brother and continued chomping. I could see that she was proud of herself - both for sharing and keeping the biggest piece for herself. I was also proud of her - both for sharing and keeping the biggest piece for herself. I learned that she is already learining to both be true to and stand up for herself.
I am so thankful for a wife and kids that really do appreciate the smallest of moments. They motivate me to look beyind the sameness of everyday life and find that one memory that I want to carry with me all the time.
For example, this morning I learned something about my youngest. Her brother asked (in a sickeningly sweet voice) if she was going to share part of her donut with him. She shook her head yes (mouth full of donut of course) and broke her remaining donut in half. She looked over the pieces she had broken and I could see the wheels turning. Looking from piece to piece she calculated which piece was the largest (they were close in size, but one was just a little larger). She turned over the smaller piece to her brother and continued chomping. I could see that she was proud of herself - both for sharing and keeping the biggest piece for herself. I was also proud of her - both for sharing and keeping the biggest piece for herself. I learned that she is already learining to both be true to and stand up for herself.
I am so thankful for a wife and kids that really do appreciate the smallest of moments. They motivate me to look beyind the sameness of everyday life and find that one memory that I want to carry with me all the time.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
No Rules...Just Right
One of the most common frustrations that I have encountered from recovering addicts is the notion that the rules around them "keep changing". This makes sense in treatment environments where numerous unwritten rules exist that don't get posted or even talked about until somebody unwittingly violates one of them. It even makes sense for the white-knucklers doing it with AA/NA that place a great deal of their short-term recovery in the hands of a sponsor. However, for reasons that follow I actually think this is quite a profound realization that recovering individuals stumble on.
Imagine a life that is lived under the Outback franchise philosophy - "No Rules... Just Right". What does that life look like? I would propose that it looks like self-will run riot. It doesn't really matter what people or institutions around you think. Instead, the most important evaluator of the rightness or wrongness of actions is me. As a result the efforts that I make at convincing those around me that what I am doing is acceptable would be entirely for my benefit. I would learn to view myself as both judge and jury to my actions and rarely find fault or need of changing.
Then I embark on a new path. One that begins with an admission that what I've been doing up to this point has not worked -- it's broken. Once I make even the smallest step outside of the comfort of what I have always done I am confronted with some of life's harsh realities, most notably, the facts that a) Life is not always fair and b) Flexibility is key to healthy, productive living. What looks like constantly changing rules is actually you just catching up to where the healthiest among people are actually living. Enjoy the chaos that comes with change - it's the one constant you can always count on!
Imagine a life that is lived under the Outback franchise philosophy - "No Rules... Just Right". What does that life look like? I would propose that it looks like self-will run riot. It doesn't really matter what people or institutions around you think. Instead, the most important evaluator of the rightness or wrongness of actions is me. As a result the efforts that I make at convincing those around me that what I am doing is acceptable would be entirely for my benefit. I would learn to view myself as both judge and jury to my actions and rarely find fault or need of changing.
Then I embark on a new path. One that begins with an admission that what I've been doing up to this point has not worked -- it's broken. Once I make even the smallest step outside of the comfort of what I have always done I am confronted with some of life's harsh realities, most notably, the facts that a) Life is not always fair and b) Flexibility is key to healthy, productive living. What looks like constantly changing rules is actually you just catching up to where the healthiest among people are actually living. Enjoy the chaos that comes with change - it's the one constant you can always count on!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I wonder if THEY know that
Somewhere I missed it. Yesterday, I stood watching a cheerleading competition in which my middle child was competing. I came prepared to see some basic tumbles and maybe even a cartwheel or two. What I got was -- well, a lot more than that. Sometime between discussing with my wife how "good it would be" for our child to get involved in cheerleading and writing the monthly checks I missed all the hard work she (and the rest of her team) were putting in. And then - bam! right in front of me is this unbelievable performance. It never ocurred to me that she was serious about this.
It makes me wonder how many other obvious things about my kids I miss around me each day. Of course I entertain her "cute" comments about this or that with her cheerleading, but I thought most of it was nonsense chat. Of course, when my son talks about karate or even what he enjoys about what he's studying I listen, I just don't listen maybe as closely as I should. It seems to me I might be guilty of under-indulging my kids efforts and dreams. I wonder if THEY know that.
It makes me wonder how many other obvious things about my kids I miss around me each day. Of course I entertain her "cute" comments about this or that with her cheerleading, but I thought most of it was nonsense chat. Of course, when my son talks about karate or even what he enjoys about what he's studying I listen, I just don't listen maybe as closely as I should. It seems to me I might be guilty of under-indulging my kids efforts and dreams. I wonder if THEY know that.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
really...
Had a chance to run a group today, and I was on the path of one of those topics. You know - the ones that get eyebrows raised and skeptical looks when you start. The group that you can see people saying - oh REALLY in their head when you begin. It wasn't planned that way it just happened.
I started with a statement that was something like - "I don't think that it's all that important that you admit you have a problem in Step 1; rather I think it is most important that you can accurately identify how unmanageable your life has become." It's funny how unsettled people become when you introduce a new idea to them or at least challenge the same old way they have been looking at the problem. Okay - so I have been known to throw a zinger or two just to get people out of their comfort zone, but I wasn't doing that today. I just think that the most important part of Step 1 people lose focus on.
Does it really matter that an addict can admit their problem? I mean REALLY matter? There's a ton of people around them that love them (and some that don't) that can see they have a problem. Often their own admission that there is a problem puts them last in the circle of people that see it. Isn't it more important to really focus on the one day, the one conversation, the one behavior that exemplifies how out of control their life will become if they choose to use again? Isn't it?
You see - my theory is that Step 1 is enough for an addict to maintain their sobriety. It might not give them the well-balanced health that fully following the program will, but if they can see clearly the starting point of how far they will go if they use again I can think of nothing better to motivate them to change. Even then the disease will continue a cunning, baffling, and powerful course to derail those changes.
Admitting a problem - that's a bonus; avoiding the behavior by avoiding the drug - absolutely paramount in succeeding.
I started with a statement that was something like - "I don't think that it's all that important that you admit you have a problem in Step 1; rather I think it is most important that you can accurately identify how unmanageable your life has become." It's funny how unsettled people become when you introduce a new idea to them or at least challenge the same old way they have been looking at the problem. Okay - so I have been known to throw a zinger or two just to get people out of their comfort zone, but I wasn't doing that today. I just think that the most important part of Step 1 people lose focus on.
Does it really matter that an addict can admit their problem? I mean REALLY matter? There's a ton of people around them that love them (and some that don't) that can see they have a problem. Often their own admission that there is a problem puts them last in the circle of people that see it. Isn't it more important to really focus on the one day, the one conversation, the one behavior that exemplifies how out of control their life will become if they choose to use again? Isn't it?
You see - my theory is that Step 1 is enough for an addict to maintain their sobriety. It might not give them the well-balanced health that fully following the program will, but if they can see clearly the starting point of how far they will go if they use again I can think of nothing better to motivate them to change. Even then the disease will continue a cunning, baffling, and powerful course to derail those changes.
Admitting a problem - that's a bonus; avoiding the behavior by avoiding the drug - absolutely paramount in succeeding.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Fire & Ash
Several years ago I compiled a list of short words and phrases that captured the "me". When I put this together I wasn't concerned about whether everyone around me agreed - I wasn't even worried about how these words made me look to other people. I did it as part of an introspective journey of myself, on myself, for myself. I did it to take a snapshot of who I was at that moment in time to memorialize the "me" of the moment.
I remember taking hours and formatting the words into a small poster using a very crude (by today's standards) publishing program. (Those were the days when programs inevitably turned themselves off at critical moments and it seemed like it took hours to reboot the computer.) I worked diligently -- producing a printed collage of thoughts, emotions, attributes, and even story characters that resounded with me during that time in my life. I meticulously crafted the document into the finest piece of art that I had ever produced (I'm not very artistic) -- and then as I recall, I ceremonially burned it.
There wasn't a lot of pomp and circumstance, just me hovering over a small container watching my creation blaze up and just as quickly morph into unrecognizable ash. I reflect on that moment quite often lately. The moment between fire and ash. I wish I could have grabbed the paper out of the bin and written those two words. I stood there struck by the fact that of all the words I had written I had missed the most important two - fire and ash.
That is so me - standing on the brink of something I think so represents and defines me and almost missing the most important parts. I've learned a couple of things since that time in my life. I want that moment between the fire and ash of every activity in my life to be a celebration of how bright and hot the fire burned not how dull and gray the ash will look when its over.
I remember taking hours and formatting the words into a small poster using a very crude (by today's standards) publishing program. (Those were the days when programs inevitably turned themselves off at critical moments and it seemed like it took hours to reboot the computer.) I worked diligently -- producing a printed collage of thoughts, emotions, attributes, and even story characters that resounded with me during that time in my life. I meticulously crafted the document into the finest piece of art that I had ever produced (I'm not very artistic) -- and then as I recall, I ceremonially burned it.
There wasn't a lot of pomp and circumstance, just me hovering over a small container watching my creation blaze up and just as quickly morph into unrecognizable ash. I reflect on that moment quite often lately. The moment between fire and ash. I wish I could have grabbed the paper out of the bin and written those two words. I stood there struck by the fact that of all the words I had written I had missed the most important two - fire and ash.
That is so me - standing on the brink of something I think so represents and defines me and almost missing the most important parts. I've learned a couple of things since that time in my life. I want that moment between the fire and ash of every activity in my life to be a celebration of how bright and hot the fire burned not how dull and gray the ash will look when its over.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
WAKE Up
This morning early (about 4:00 am) I woke up to my youngest trying to manuever her way onto my bed. She was prepared - blanket and pillow in hand (I guess in case I didn't have one), but she was not "awake". She stood at the end of a bed on which during daylight she can perform any number of gymnastic feats and said these words: "Dad, I don't know how to get up." I laughed and reached down and swooped her up, accessories and all, and within seconds she was snuggled in and sleeply sounding.
You ever been there. That place that you're not sure how you got there, but think you need to be. That place that whether by habit or accident you showed up with all the right equipment, but just couldn't seem to close the deal by doing something that you've done a hundred time before. Have you ever been at that place where short of some big arms reaching out and swooping you up you would never be able to rest, safely snuggled in. I have.
Sometimes it's okay to put in on autopilot. Maybe you're tired, maybe you just can't think through the next step. It's okay - but it's better if you go looking for some big arms to swoop you up. WAKE Up - connect with someone who is going to help; it's a bonus if they're laughing at you.
You ever been there. That place that you're not sure how you got there, but think you need to be. That place that whether by habit or accident you showed up with all the right equipment, but just couldn't seem to close the deal by doing something that you've done a hundred time before. Have you ever been at that place where short of some big arms reaching out and swooping you up you would never be able to rest, safely snuggled in. I have.
Sometimes it's okay to put in on autopilot. Maybe you're tired, maybe you just can't think through the next step. It's okay - but it's better if you go looking for some big arms to swoop you up. WAKE Up - connect with someone who is going to help; it's a bonus if they're laughing at you.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
The "WE"
"We admitted that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable." - Step 1, Alcoholics Anonymous
It seems so contrary that the best solution to maintaining abstinence from drugs, including alcohol, lies within a group that has individually lived out their worst nightmares. What drives the phenomenon of "support recovery" and how important is "the WE"?
Consider this - the most unlikely defenders of freedom are a group of kids that show up at boot camp from every corner of the nation, from every socio-economic background, and from every experience (or lack there of) that you can think of. We give them 8 weeks to become a '"WE", and then entrust our nation's most prized asset, freedom, to them. As I see it they've done a great job! They figured out how to give up something of themselves for the greater good of "the WE".
You see "the WE" in support recovery systems works this same way. An individual that knows that they want what a group of recovering addicts has understands the importance of giving up themselves for "the WE". In fact, the battle looks eerily similar to those who defend our freedom. Your life may depend on it!
Monday, November 3, 2008
SWEATING Honesty
One of the schticks that I use frequently when teaching is what I call a candid discussion on what rigorous honesty is. If you have heard any of that and your mind is not already reeling then shame on you. Rigorous honesty is .... (all together now) honesty to the point of SWEAT!
Have you noticed in your own life the physiological correlates of honesty. I mean really - how many other things cause your stomach to churn, you palms to sweat, and your mind to race in so many directions at one time than owning up to who and what we are and what we have done. Probably the greatest cause for celebration is that you are not alone. Honesty may be the best policy, but the path of honesty is often not the easiest one. We spend more time supporting our positions of why its okay to have said this or done that than just acknowledging one important fact - the truth is the truth even if I don't like it.
"Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program...They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty." (Alcoholics Anonymous,"How It Works"). The fundamental challenge for well rounded healthy people inside recovery (and everywhere else) is to work on honesty to the point that it makes us SWEAT. You know what I'm saying - taking the hard road; the one that nauseates you a little and causes you so much discomfort that you perspire. The one that makes you stop a story or a sentence right in the middle and tell the person next to you to "disregard that - it wasn't true".
Addicts have an uncanny ability to justify and rationalize. Be careful and remember -at the end of every sentence, day, year, and lifetime there is truth. Define yourself by sweating it out of you even when it looks hard at the moment.
Have you noticed in your own life the physiological correlates of honesty. I mean really - how many other things cause your stomach to churn, you palms to sweat, and your mind to race in so many directions at one time than owning up to who and what we are and what we have done. Probably the greatest cause for celebration is that you are not alone. Honesty may be the best policy, but the path of honesty is often not the easiest one. We spend more time supporting our positions of why its okay to have said this or done that than just acknowledging one important fact - the truth is the truth even if I don't like it.
"Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program...They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty." (Alcoholics Anonymous,"How It Works"). The fundamental challenge for well rounded healthy people inside recovery (and everywhere else) is to work on honesty to the point that it makes us SWEAT. You know what I'm saying - taking the hard road; the one that nauseates you a little and causes you so much discomfort that you perspire. The one that makes you stop a story or a sentence right in the middle and tell the person next to you to "disregard that - it wasn't true".
Addicts have an uncanny ability to justify and rationalize. Be careful and remember -at the end of every sentence, day, year, and lifetime there is truth. Define yourself by sweating it out of you even when it looks hard at the moment.
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