For the past several years I have left my home every Monday night to head to a weekly poker game. I would admit that this did not always fit neatly into my life, but for the most part -- it worked for me and gave me a little spending money for the week (thanks to the frequent, generous donations of my poker buddies!!).
The new year brought some sadness as my Monday night poker night was cancelled. I'm not sure if this night is a victim of the economy for the guys, the busyness in life that most of us that play experience, or I was just uninvited me after 4 years because they were tired of giving me their money. Seems odd to just cancel male bonding experiences after so long so I might believe the latter is really at work. (Guys - if you see a vehicle slowly pass by the stomping grounds with the lights off this Monday you will know you've been found out.)
Anyway - it's over, and I must say that I miss it. I'm not sure if it was just the time to unwind or the fact that I love playing cards. It might even be (notice MIGHT) that I miss seeing the gang, laughing, and catching up weekly. It seems to me that I am becoming more disconnected socially without this opportunity to start the week off surrounded by men who have come to really appreciate me as a person throughout the past several years. It's funny - I have always thought that relationships were about quality not quantity, but there is something to be said for quantity too.
These guys have become my friends in the little contaned part of my life that is about play. I am probably like most men -- I just don't play that much. Sure I like to think about toys and maybe play a little here or there, but I really don't play that much. I am more likely to pass on a $10 toy for myself so that my kids can get one or try and convince myself that dinner out with friends is playing. I'm not saying I should play all the time, but I dangerously fill my schedule with things that look like play to those around me, but are often somehow related to work (i.e. spending time on the computer that generally has some work link to it).
It's a late New Year's resolution, and I am not always a fan, but I think I might just resolve to play more this year -- or at least play as much as I did last year. The key is going to be finding something than my Monday night poker game, and hopefully finding some others to get involved.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
little blips ---- BIG consequences
I finally had an opportunity to get back to my Tuesday group schedule. Like many days I entered the room with no real idea what I was going to present. Somebody asked a seemingly innocuous question on relapse and we were off to the races.
One of my favorite group statements is that "I've never seen a person trip over a 7 foot wall". Generally, when I share this I am simply trying to make the point that BIG obstacles aren't often the impetus for relapse or failure. Instead, I note that I have seen "many people trip over a pebble" -- little things force us to lose our footing without even noticing that something so small yet so dangerous is in front of us and once we start falling nothing except slamming the ground is goint to stop it.
As I reflect on this it is so true for everyone. Have you ever seen someone genuinely in the midst of crisis? So many people are able to work through these huge events and even this stress points them squarely toward things that are going to help them. They seem good - focused and directed toward working through the crisis. On the other hand have you ever seen someone totally underneath the weight of a million little problems. These folks don't tend to be able to walk and chew gum without it becoming catastrophic to them.
I have a theory -- it's about the "noise" of the problems. When one small thing happens we don't generally do anything about it. It's like a short blip in the middle of a long movie. It provides too little distraction to take our eyes off what we're watching but enough to startle us and force us to regroup in our mind. It also makes us acutely aware of the next short blip. With heightened awareness of the blips to come the blips increase. As the blips increase our annoyance and frustration increases. Soon even though we're trying to watch the movie we don't even see it - instead we spend our time on the edge of our seat waiting for the next blip and our chance to be legitimately frustrated at this disruption in our life. We begin to focus on the problem, and miss everything else around us.
Can you see what I am saying -- when your child starts the day by being just a little uncooperative it will often start you on a path toward exasperation by day's end and you won't even notice it. When you realize you're going to be five minutes late for an important meeting and you move into resolve mode not realizing how out of control your schedule and your life is going to feel all day. When you hardly notice those hang-over stories from your coworkers, but there is that tinge of remembrance for you. All of these things are destined to end bad - arguments with the people you love, disatisfaction with your life, or relapse - UNLESS you do something right up front.
Even when something seems small and inconsequenial take the time to re-center yourself and begin the next activity, conversation, or thought process new. One of my favorite ways to do this is the serenity prayer - "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (those that just happened), the willingness to change the things I can (okay - I'm cleaning the slate here), and the courage to know the difference (God don;t let me overlook the big stuff or sweat the small stuff). It might seem silly - how could a thirty second prayer save a marriage or keep you sober), but I honestly believe it works. If it does nothing else you will end your day with the same optimism and purpose you started with -- something that very few people I know can actually do!
One of my favorite group statements is that "I've never seen a person trip over a 7 foot wall". Generally, when I share this I am simply trying to make the point that BIG obstacles aren't often the impetus for relapse or failure. Instead, I note that I have seen "many people trip over a pebble" -- little things force us to lose our footing without even noticing that something so small yet so dangerous is in front of us and once we start falling nothing except slamming the ground is goint to stop it.
As I reflect on this it is so true for everyone. Have you ever seen someone genuinely in the midst of crisis? So many people are able to work through these huge events and even this stress points them squarely toward things that are going to help them. They seem good - focused and directed toward working through the crisis. On the other hand have you ever seen someone totally underneath the weight of a million little problems. These folks don't tend to be able to walk and chew gum without it becoming catastrophic to them.
I have a theory -- it's about the "noise" of the problems. When one small thing happens we don't generally do anything about it. It's like a short blip in the middle of a long movie. It provides too little distraction to take our eyes off what we're watching but enough to startle us and force us to regroup in our mind. It also makes us acutely aware of the next short blip. With heightened awareness of the blips to come the blips increase. As the blips increase our annoyance and frustration increases. Soon even though we're trying to watch the movie we don't even see it - instead we spend our time on the edge of our seat waiting for the next blip and our chance to be legitimately frustrated at this disruption in our life. We begin to focus on the problem, and miss everything else around us.
Can you see what I am saying -- when your child starts the day by being just a little uncooperative it will often start you on a path toward exasperation by day's end and you won't even notice it. When you realize you're going to be five minutes late for an important meeting and you move into resolve mode not realizing how out of control your schedule and your life is going to feel all day. When you hardly notice those hang-over stories from your coworkers, but there is that tinge of remembrance for you. All of these things are destined to end bad - arguments with the people you love, disatisfaction with your life, or relapse - UNLESS you do something right up front.
Even when something seems small and inconsequenial take the time to re-center yourself and begin the next activity, conversation, or thought process new. One of my favorite ways to do this is the serenity prayer - "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (those that just happened), the willingness to change the things I can (okay - I'm cleaning the slate here), and the courage to know the difference (God don;t let me overlook the big stuff or sweat the small stuff). It might seem silly - how could a thirty second prayer save a marriage or keep you sober), but I honestly believe it works. If it does nothing else you will end your day with the same optimism and purpose you started with -- something that very few people I know can actually do!
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